The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
