Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.