i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"