The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
