i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
