"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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