your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's shark week go big or go home
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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