Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
