We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
