So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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