I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
