Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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