This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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