i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
