Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
