Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
