Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
