Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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