Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He called his prostate his "boner button".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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