Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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