no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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