Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
