some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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