Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize