The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
