If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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