he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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