i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
