Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
