fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
