Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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