my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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