I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
