I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
