I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize