i think i have herpe
just one?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
