think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize