he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
