omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
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The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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