I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
