Your mouth is God's brothel.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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