I'm going to jail i love you
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
