Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
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the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think your dad took our porno
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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