addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
