I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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