so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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