Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize