Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
