Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
