She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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