i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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