you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't tell me you're on acid again
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
