Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
