Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
