i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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