I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
