When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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